“Motherhood is great. So is having a kid,” said my mom when I broke the news of my pregnancy to her. In order to ensure her daughter has no fear, she shared every little thing that I needed to know.
It felt like a science exam where she will get me prepared for the final day. She asked me to read books, join groups & communities, meet other pregnant women and make sure I understand everything. And, like an obedient child, I did. I read books on motherhood, joined Facebook groups, subscribed to newsletters, websites and apps to make sure I was prepared for everything. As a person with a rational thought process, I found comfort in the scientific research and parental advice.
And, then motherhood happened. I felt like Alexander, who was ready to conquer the world, but blinded by his own capabilities, felt unbeatable. I felt like I’m the best mom. But within the first few months of having my son, I discovered that everyone – my mom, my scientific journals, my Facebook communities, my books, had missed an important topic – post-partum anxiety. They mentioned that new moms feel tired and nervous, but they never spoke exactly how it would feel. So, I assumed whatever I was feeling and experiencing was very similar to what any new mom does.
How did it feel? It felt like I was holding my breath all day, every day. And it continued for a year when with the help of my doctor I got to know what I was experiencing wasn’t normal and wasn’t rare.
I was suffering from post-partum anxiety. My question is that if it isn’t normal and widespread, then why no one talks about it? Why don’t motherhood books have ever mentioned about it?
This is when I decided that I need to make the future moms aware of something that I wish someone could have shared with me. So here goes…
Congratulations on being a new Mom!
M-O-M, these three powerful letters will change your life forever. But, in order to manage it well, I would like you to pay attention to how you feel.
Do you feel tired and uncertain? Or, Do you feel fearful, anxious or exhausted?
The first one is a natural part of parenting. With time, you will navigate through the uncertain waters of motherhood and will become a pro in taking care of your baby. The second one, however, represents possible post-partum anxiety and needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
If you couldn’t understand your feelings – don’t get confused. Even, I couldn’t. It was like a cocktail of emotions.
Hence, it took me a while to differentiate normal concern from actual anxiety. I would share a few scenarios from my experience (in a hope that it will help someone reading this).
But, I want to make a disclaimer here that these details are based on my symptoms. In case, you find yourself undergoing a similar journey, please see your doctor before accepting that you have post-partum anxiety.
Scenario-1: Just after birth
How it should have been
Post my normal delivery, I felt comfortable having my family and friends in the hospital room. I got out of the bed, changed into my comfy clothes and sat on the couch. I wish I would have done these. Unfortunately, my real story is quite different.
How it was for me
I felt my heart racing as if there was a danger around the corner. There was an impending sense of panic when my friends came to meet me. I didn’t feel like getting up. I felt the safest place was my bed. “You can take off the hospital gown and wear pajamas if you like. It will ease you.”, nurse suggested. The suggestion was too much for me to handle. I politely said no as I was terrified from inside to leave the bed.
I ignored all these signs under the assumption of being tired. But, sadly, these were all early signs of post-partum anxiety.
Scenario-2: After a few days of birth
How it should have been
It was my first time leaving the house with the baby. We had to go to the doctor’s appointment. I felt a little nervous, but I took the baby anyway. While coming back, my husband suggested having lunch at my favorite restaurant. But, I was a little nervous so I suggested that we get the stuff packed and have it at home.
How it was for me
We went to see the doctor. But, I wanted to come home as fast as possible. I felt like everything was taking forever to happen. While coming back, my husband suggested having lunch at my favorite restaurant. Not just I refused to stop anywhere in between but almost shouted at my husband for even thinking about it. I was in a panic the whole time.
Like some moms, if you are nervous and manage to take the baby for check-ups without any major hassle, then please consider yourself normal. But if you can relate to me, then you may have symptoms of post-partum anxiety. I panicked every second I was outside my home. Taking my baby anywhere felt like dangerous and harmful.
Scenario-3: After a few months of birth
How it should have been
It’s 10 pm. I put the baby to bed then go to sleep. There are still some middle of the night feedings, but I handle it and go back to sleep. We have our rough nights but very few.
How it was for me
I have a hard time going to sleep every day. I’m always tense that the baby will have some problem during the night. The slightest of noise wakes me up. If I get up for a night-time feeding, I can’t go back to sleep. I’m wide awake scrolling my mobile throughout the night, reading about what health problems babies face when they are 3-6 months old
Babies don’t sleep through the night for months. Hence, it is obvious that parents will not get full sleep and be tired.
But, if it’s not the baby but the noise in your head that doesn’t let you sleep, you are more than tired.
I kept struggling with my demons and fears, hoping that it would get better with time. I isolated myself and couldn’t find the right words to talk to my family, friends or even my husband. I kept thinking what if they judge me.
When it became unbearable, I confided in my mom. She called my doctor to share my condition. And, the first thing my doctor told me that I wasn’t alone. Many moms struggle with this anxiety and very few come out and try to understand the real problem behind it. I wonder if that’s true, why so many moms don’t know about post-partum anxiety.
I wish someone would have shared this information with me. I wish I didn’t wait so long to talk to my doctor about this.
I wish I would have spent more time and energy on creating memories with my newborn rather than battling with my demons and fears. I wish my mom would have told me this. I wish…
More from I for Her: Get a smile on your face with these adorable drawings capturing the struggle of a new mom
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