(Read the first part of my story here)
That word ‘MISCARRIAGE’ changed everything. I felt a void within me.
I could see the doctor speaking but I couldn’t hear anything. It was like I was totally numb. I held my belly with both hands, hoping for something in there to move and tell me no this wasn’t happening. There were women in the waiting area with baby bumps. I just watched them hiding mine still wanting to protect it from the eyes of others. I wanted to cry out loud but couldn’t, don’t know why. My hubby was still talking to the doctor asking for what was next and I was sitting there with the scan report trying to find my baby.
Our drive back home was silent. I didn’t cry, which was expected as normal. My hubby didn’t know how to bring me back to normal. I entered the house, my son came running to me and hugged me, like always. As soon as he hugged me, something inside me melted, and I cried my heart out. I was coming to the realization as to what had hit me. My crying was uncontrollable. I was totally blank, no thought, no feelings, just tears. Watching me cry, my son also started crying.
My hubby joined us; this was our moment of sorrow, “Our Family Hug”.
Family and friends were anxious to know what happened during the scan. They had been with us throughout, praying and keeping us strong. The news was a shock for them too, but they made sure we were not left unattended. My social media was flooded with blessings and prayers once I posted this news. There were many like me who had suffered severe and similar cases of miscarriage. We had never seen each other but the pain of losing one part of your identity and losing hope is what connected us. They were like god fairies; it was so easy to talk my heart out to them, without being apprehensive about being judged. Sometimes it’s easy to explain your feelings to a stranger than the ones close to you.
Each day was a difficult one.
I went into the self-guilt mode. And, to make it worse kept judging myself.“Did I do something which resulted in this miscarriage”, “ Should I have waited for three months before breaking the news of our pregnancy (like they usually say)”; “ I should not have gone for walks. Is it my age? Was it the stress?” These thoughts would just not stop. I even blamed the lunar eclipse that had occurred on Jan 31st, the evening that I had started to bleed. I was hysterical. I had locked myself in the house, I had stopped going out, or even talking to people. I had stopped being me. I was anxious to find the reason.
The ‘WHY US?’ question kept hounding me.
Even when I tried to overcome my sorrow, my body did not help me. The miscarriage had left me with a severe weight gain. I looked like I was three months pregnant. Every time I looked in the mirror, I smiled looking at that cute bump and the very next moment I was drowned in sorrow. The hormones were driving me crazy, they gave me false hope earlier by making those lines pink of when my bleeding stopped (pregnancy test) and now making me look pregnant when I was not.
My only hideout was my son. I invested every single moment in him. I wanted to make up for the time I missed playing with him, while I was restricted to bed rest.
Miscarriage is a difficult situation to handle. Just like every pregnancy is different, so is every miscarriage. It’s never just a miscarriage. It’s a loss of your dreams, your identity and for some even hope. Your body takes time to be normal. Missed periods, hormonal imbalances leading to extreme mood swings can leave you confused and depressed. Be it an early miscarriage or a late one, the agony remains the same.
Having gone through this pain, I want to share a few tips which helped me overcome the loss.
Hope no one has to go through this ordeal, but unluckily if you ever find yourself in this boat, I hope these will help you overcome these better:
Partner – It was never my miscarriage, it was always ours. My hubby had been supportive beyond his capabilities. Be it looking after me or taking full responsibility of our son, and making sure he doesn’t miss me much; he (my hubby) was the pillar of strength for me. It was hard for him too, yet he never broke down in front of me. He didn’t express it but I could make out from the redness of his eyes that he had been crying when he was alone. All this, while handling my emotional outburst, being there for me and still pampering me.
Friends and family – Talk to them, pour your heart out. I kept sharing my experience and anxieties with my girly gangs till the time it was completely out of my mind. I know the narration every time was the same, but they still heard it like it was the first time. These sessions helped me overcome the self-guilt I was experiencing. Their empathy and kind words were like painkillers.
YOU – You, yourself are capable of overcoming any challenges life throws at you. You know yourself the best, and hence know what’s the best in a situation of sorrow. If talking helps, reach out to those who are always ears to you. If keeping silent is your coping mechanism, then do that till you are at terms with your normal self. It is ok to have a meltdown, it is ok to be in a shell. But, remember not to stay there for long. Pull yourself up and connect with your normal self. It is not easy, even after 5 months every time I come across a pregnant lady, I subconsciously count my pregnancy weeks and how large would my belly be.
ME time – The entire journey of being pregnant to losing one, is like a roller-coaster ride. It takes a toll on your mental and physical health. Don’t be harsh on yourself, spend time with self. Enjoy the early morning tea, listen to those melodies that you heard in peace, restart those small hobbies which took a back seat, anything that keeps you alive and brings a smile back on your face. Plan a vacation, be busy. I’m glad my husband planned a trip after a month, it helped us come even closer in terms of emotional bonding.
During the tough times, I kept asking myself why did it happen to us?
And the answer didn’t dawn on me till recently. When I For Her approached me to write on their platform, they told me very few people have the courage to talk about their struggles with so much strength. Probably, I got my answer at that moment. It happened to me because God wanted me to help others who needed that strength and courage. Sharing my stories on I For Her is my first step to helping women get the strength that they are looking for.
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