It is amazing how a simple pink line can change your entire world.
Yes! We were pregnant with our second baby, and it goes unsaid that the excitement was same as it was 3.5 years back when we had our first child. We had been waiting for this news for so long. After I had delivered my son, I had serious health issues. A migraine that won’t leave for days combined with the fact that I was losing weight, which made weaning my son a tough battle. I had come down to 42kgs and doctors couldn’t explain why. It was like the entire universe was going against me and my body. I was advised not to have another baby until I gained at least 10 kgs. I was on a mission to gain weight and as soon the scale went to 52, we started planning for our second child.
It had taken me good two years to reach this stage.
This baby was all we dreamt for the past two years; every time I missed my period we hoped that I would be pregnant. It went on for a while and we had started losing hope. Then the New Year gave us the best news. The lines showed up, we were thrilled, and we couldn’t stop jumping around with joy. I couldn’t wait to share the secret with my girly gang and then the news went viral. WE WERE PREGNANT!
My brain was running much faster than my body I guess. I was already planning a lot of things, a maternity photo-shoot which I missed during my first pregnancy, writing maternity journal like I did before. It may sound crazy but yes I was praying that the baby looks a little more like me this time (my son is a carbon copy of his father) and what not.
I was searching the internet for ideas to break this news to my son.
I was surprised as to how easily my little boy understood that I was carrying. “Shona, mummy tummy has a small baby, don’t jump on mumma.” He looked at me and my tummy, hugged me, kissed me on the tummy and ran away. I could see the siblings were bonding already. He was already a responsible big brother. He started sleeping while hugging his daddy at nights and let me enjoy the luxury of one entire bed (only a mom can understand it). Everything was going smooth and every moment was filled with bliss.
Our first gynac meeting was scheduled after 5 weeks.
I had butterflies in my stomach. I was anxious and happy; it was like a cocktail of all feelings which tasted sweet. Lying on the bed, ready for the scan, I started talking to the doctor to ease myself. I kept talking until the doctor interrupted saying, “There it is, the sac, it is too early to see anything but all seems good according to the gestation period.” She continued, “Every pregnancy is different, and the symptoms will follow as pregnancy progresses.” It was time for celebration; I kept looking at the scan report until we reached home. My husband was happy to see my joy and kept agreeing to all my demands. I was being pampered each second.
Everything was going great, until one day in my 6th week, I noticed brown spotting.
I had had a similar experience in the last pregnancy so I did not panic, just followed the instructions as last time: no lifting of heavyweights, restricted movements on stairs and so on. The next day I was bleeding red. The panic sank in, I trembled, something was wrong. This hadn’t happened to me ever. We ran to meet the doctor. I sounded like I had a lump in my throat, my BP was high. My hubby knew the only way to keep me calm was to have a scan done.
This scan was unlike the last one, I kept looking at my hubby’s face to read his expressions. I did not have the courage to check the screen. He smiled and I was at peace. I was put on complete bed rest until next scan in the 9th week to check the heartbeat. Also, I had to take weekly injections and medication, which left me drowsy. I was happy that the baby was safe and was positive that all this will be over soon. That night, my son hugged me while sleeping. I guess he could sense the tension I was experiencing. The next morning, I woke up I went to the washroom to check. I screamed as there was no bleeding. That day, I took a little liberty and played with my son; the guilt of not giving him the time was killing me.
The calmness of the day did not stay till the night.
I started bleeding heavily, this time I was passing clots. The nightmare had just begun. Soon cramps began and it felt like my body was trying to push something out. I was in intense pain, lying on the bed, fighting with my thoughts of the good and the bad. During the days that followed, I did everything that people told me to do; lying on the left side, not turning, nazar, everything. Whatever someone would say, I would blindly follow. I was so vulnerable that I was ready to do everything to save the life within me. I reached out to people who suffered such episodes on social media. Their responses gave me strength. Every time someone passed a hug or a prayer, I felt better.
With each passing day though, the positive feelings started fading as I changed my pads. I knew my bleeding was getting worse, but there was nothing I could do. I had to wait for bleeding to stop. My son could not understand why I would not get out of bed. He wouldn’t come close to me. One evening when I was weeping tucked in my pillow, he ran into me “Mumma you are strong, baby is small. Don’t cry.” He kissed my tummy and ran away to play. He touched my soul, his words gave me strength.
It was almost one week, the bleeding started fading and I was not experiencing any cramps.
I started feeling better, a little energetic. It was time to meet the doctor. I had a spare pregnancy check kit. To clear my mind, I checked. And, yes the lines were there, this time even darker. I cried. My hubby sat next to me holding hands watching me cry, he knew I needed to vent out, I had held up myself for quite long.
We went to meet the doctor, I was a little comforted by the thought of those two lines. I told her my bleeding had stopped and so did the clotting. I insisted if we can get a scan, to which she refused. Though, understanding my state of mind and my hubby’s insistence she agreed to it. The abdominal scan was done and after 10 minutes she asked me to get ready for the TVS (Transvaginal scan). I felt numb. Why a TVS? Is the baby fine? Last time she could see it clearly in the scan itself? So many questions started popping into my head.
In the dark examination room, I was holding on hope. I was sure about the lines I saw just 2 hours back. Once the procedure started, I started talking, “Can we see it clearly now, is it visible?” She silently continued. “Yes, it is clear.” I was on cloud nine. The pain had just vanished. I got up, pulled my hubby close to the screen, but struggled to see the sac. “Where is the baby?”, I looked at my hubby, “I don’t understand? She said its clear but where is the baby?”
He made me sit on the bed and said, “WE HAVE A MISCARRIAGE.”
(Read the conclusion part of my story here)
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