I had an arranged marriage and for a long time, I could not understood my husband at all.
For the first few months, I used to think he has a split personality. There would be times when he would shower me with love and tell me that I’m the only great thing that happened to him in his whole life. On other days, he would be annoyed at me for no reason at all and completely stop talking to me.
Not having any experience handling such emotions, I tried to be what he wanted me to be. But it would all end up in a big mess with huge arguments and fights. We won’t talk to each other for days, and every time it was me who would bow down thinking things will get better.
My mind wanted to get out of this relationship, but my heart was not ready to step out. He was the first man in my life, and when we married I had vowed to love him all my life.
In today’s world, people end tough relationships as soon as they can. But I decided not to give up. I am fond of challenges. So, I took understanding my husband’s behavior as a challenge. Keeping my feelings aside I started analyzing him, his patterns and his mood swings to understand him better.
The first few years of childhood are the stepping stone for the entire life. These are the years that define the thought process, the personality and how we behave for the rest of our lives. So, I started talking to him about his childhood and his college days. I became more observant about his behavior with people in the family.
And I’m so happy I did. I was able to understand what had gone behind in making my husband the way he is.
He was brought up in a business family in a very small town. A town where even in 2018, there are no good schools and electricity is available only 8-9 hours a day. He was raised by a dominating and over-ambitious mother who always compared herself with her own brothers and sisters who lived in metros. She was always complaining to her husband for not being able to provide the same kind of lifestyle.
During summer vacations, while other cousins would be traveling and relaxing at exotic hill stations, my husband would go to his grandparents’ house and try to finish up entire year’s course – all because they had much better facilities.
The struggles continued during teens, and that’s when he decided that he will work hard and make sure he has enough money to buy happiness. And he succeeded despite all hardships – compromising his college fun, losing all his friends and focusing only on one aspect of life.
He ended up becoming an ATM machine for the family, with no life or no dreams of his own.
When we married, I was a person full of life. I always thought of money as a source of amenities and not happiness. As we started understanding each other, he started to unwind himself and started thinking about his dreams. But this was so contradicting to his entire thought process, that he had very strong mood swings.
It was like he is still caged in his teens where all he can think of is how to work hard and make more money.
All my efforts to free him from this cage so far have failed. Because of the burden of childhood expectations of his over-ambitious mother. Even worse, she stopped recognizing the efforts my husband was making for the family.
I know how difficult it is for him to live such a torn life. I love him and just want him to spread his wings. I want him to enjoy his life, make up for all the lost years, and be happy! Happiness that knows no boundaries.
It’s a difficult phase for both of us. But after understanding my husband, I know that I want to make an effort to make our marriage a happy success.
No matter what, I will not give up on us – on our marriage.
Do let me know if you have any suggestion on how I can help my husband.
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