*Our community member shared below concerns in a hope to find the answers. We would request you not to judge her or her family. She displayed a lot of courage to share her concern, so let’s applaud her courage rather than passing judgments *
Dear I For Her,
Born in the Indian middle class, I was always told never to talk about sex and sex life openly. Hence, the query has been posted anonymously.
My husband (38) and I (35) have just completed 10 years of marriage. Though we are very much in love with each other, there is something that is bothering me.
With time, we got so busy with our family responsibilities that sometimes I feel we are losing interest in each other. Don’t get me wrong! We are very much in love with each other and we do care for each other a lot.
But, I feel we miss the spark (in bed) that we used to have when we were young – when we were newly married.
I want to know if it is normal for a woman of my age to feel this way after 10 years of marriage? Is it too absurd of me to ask for more?
With time, does sex become less pleasurable because of too much familiarity for every seasoned couple?
My husband and I have never spoken about it openly as I find it too shameful to ask for that intimacy. I am not even sure if my husband would like it if he would come to know that I have shared this query on your platform. Another strong reason for sharing it anonymously.
Thanks in advance!
Her – One of IFH community member!
Dear Her,
Unlike many Indian women who are still struggling to find the courage to speak about sex life and issues related to it, we are proud of you for showing strength to write in.
Regarding your query, please find the response from our expert:
I want to know if it is normal for a woman of my age l to feel this way after 10 years of marriage? Is it too absurd of me to ask for more?
In any long-term marriage, it is quite normal for any man or woman to feel the way you felt.
As a woman, you have an equal right to enjoy sex as that of a man. Though our physiology and hormones make us desire sex in the same way as that of man, it is our cultural imperatives that need to be blamed for making us feel ashamed of talking about our sexual needs.
With time, does sex become less pleasurable because of too much familiarity for every seasoned couple?
In a long-term marriage, sex definitely does not have to get boring.
Rather as the years go by, your sex life should get better because partners know each other so well – what makes us feel good, what we like, what we dislike and so on.
But sometimes, life does get in the way of a long-term married couple. Household responsibilities, kids, finances and so on can kick sexual pleasure out of our life. The routine can interfere not only with our sexual desires but also makes it difficult to find the time to invest in our sex life.
If you and your partner is putting sex last on your priority list, then we would suggest you figure out different ways to prioritize sex and keep it exciting.
So, here are some tips to keep your marriage and sex life healthy and strong!
- CHAT, TALK, COMMUNICATE: To keep your sex life healthy and active in a long-term marriage, communication is the key. So talk, chat and communicate with your partner frequently! Try to talk about deeper feelings, your innermost thoughts to really establish intimacy.
- BE HONEST & OPEN TO SHARE: As partners, try to be open and honest about your sexual desires – about what you want. Asserting what you want more of in the bedroom and what makes you feel good always ensure healthy and pleasurable sex life.
- DON’T HIDE UNMET EXPECTATIONS: Talking with your partner about the unmet expectations concerning lovemaking could be difficult. But don’t shy away from sharing unmet expectations as it can hurt your marriage. If your expectations are not being met by your partner, communicate this tactfully and sensitively.
- PLAN FOR SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS IF NECESSARY: With busy and hectic life, you can plan or schedule for sexual encounters with one another. This would help you and your partner in prioritizing sex. If you or your partner find this undesirable, you can actually make it just as exciting as spontaneous sex. For example, flirting throughout the day or announcing a “date for sex” can build anticipation.
- MOOD IS THE KEY: Its always good to set the mood in advance. Foreplay in the morning could actually turn into great sex at night!
- CARE & INTIMACY: You and your partner can find different ways to show it to each other that you care through small pleasant surprises like heart touching notes, e-mails, texts, phone calls, hugs, etc. Hold hands and show affection more often. Make time for date nights and other novel activities together.
- SHARED RESPONSIBILITY: The mistake that many couples do is to hold their partner responsible for romance in their marriage. In successful marriages, both partners need to take responsibility for having an intimate and successful marriage.
- AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, BE OPEN TO TRYING NEW THINGS!
SUMMARY
Perfect Recipe To Have a Healthy Sex Life In Marriage
- Productive and meaningful communication
- Love & Attraction for each other
- Making time for each other
- Acceptance of each other – flaws as well as quirks
- Some innovation & creativity 😉