Many people tend to confuse possessiveness with love. But it isn’t. Possessiveness is not Love. In simple words, it is just the opposite of love i.e. anti-love.
If you believe possessiveness is love, it isn’t your fault. Like many of us you have been conditioned by our movies and society that make us believe that possessiveness is love; possessiveness is care. The answer is “IT IS NOT!”
Possessiveness vs. Love
If you want to have a happy love life, it is necessary to differentiate between love and possession. While the love of your partner makes you, the possessiveness of your partner breaks you. While in love there’s trust, willingness to share, comfort, and respect for each other’s space, whereas possessiveness is anything but that.
Possessiveness is closely linked to jealousy. There are selfishness and distrust, which hampers the freedom of the other party in the relationship. Related to an individual’s fear, mistrust, and insecurity, possessiveness in a relationship is the deep need to hold on to a person for himself or herself only.
Some people get disturbed or throw fits when their partner (or the person they are obsessed about) spends time with anyone else. Sometimes, when people don’t even want their partners to pursue interests outside the relationship. Basically, possessiveness makes us want all of someone’s attention and love. In a few words, a possessive relationship leads to total destruction.
How Possessiveness Breaks You, While Love Makes You?
Because possessiveness arises from neediness, one needs someone to fulfill them in some way or the other.
The possessiveness makes the person incomplete about them. The thought of losing a relationship makes them fearful as they tend to lose something very valuable to them. Hence, they tend to anything and everything to hold onto it.
This fear of loss makes them justify threats, drama, tears, and even begging. Eventually, it not only leads to misery and deterioration in the relationship but also destroys the other party emotionally, mentally, and physically in the process.
On the other hand, love is the will to offer one’s time, energy, and care with the only objective to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. It arises from the sense of completeness.
When you love yourself, you feel complete and fulfilled. More importantly, you choose to love another person. There is neither a force involved nor pressure on the other person. You don’t have any desire to control the other person. Your love doesn’t depend on how often you touched each other. You don’t have to know everything about the person’s day to day activities. And, neither you have an expectation from the other person to spend every moment with you!
What are the Symptoms of Possessiveness? How to Spot Possessiveness?
First and foremost, remember possessiveness isn’t just about dominating the other person. It’s about presuming him/her as a suspect, who has done something wrong!
A possessive person would spy on their partner, check their belongings, look for the signs of lying or cheating in their relationship. So, basically, they constantly suspect their partner for wrongdoing. And, the sad part is they don’t know when to draw the line. They can go to any stretch to spy on their partner. For example, they can even follow their partner to work and spy on them to find out if they’re cheating.
What Triggers Possessiveness?
Basically, the driving force behind the possessiveness in both men and women is insecurity. It’s this insecurity that tends to create tensions between the partners and make the relationship constricting rather than liberating – as love should be.
Children who suffer from loneliness to discrimination during their childhood or suffer from low self-esteem turns into possessive adults. As per science, sometimes it can be even passed on from our parents through genes.
Irrespective of the origin, possessive people suffer from passion and anger attacks over their partner. And, that could be really painful for both partners.
While insecurities trigger possessiveness, people who are self-confident and happy with themselves typically allow their partner to choose to love them and accept it if they choose to move on. They do not feel the need to control the relationship or their partner.
Any healthy relationship is about to give and take where each partner feels free to be themselves, to pursue the interest they want to! In this relationship, don’t get us wrong, there are compromises. But, these compromises are not forced; the person makes these compromises willingly, and hence, none of the partners feel suffocated in the relationship!
At this moment, we want you to think about these.
Have you ever felt suffocated in a relationship? Have you ever felt that you are with the person because you have to be with him/her and not because you want to? Did you ever feel being controlled? Do you feel free in the relationship? The answers to these questions will help you to understand if you are in a possessive relationship.
It’s very important to understand that controlling, nagging, or forcing your partner to be with you isn’t the solution to your anxiety about separation from your partner.
Remember: You cannot make anyone stay in the relationship by controlling them. Love means freedom; Possessiveness means control!
How to Control Possessiveness?
If after reading the article, you can identify yourself with possessive characteristics, then don’t lose hope. You can still build a meaningful relationship if you keep your possessiveness in check. Here are some ways you can control possessiveness and we hope this would be helpful:
1. You can control possessiveness through deep breathing and meditation. With these tools, you can reduce the negative chatter in your head that makes you feel lonelier and hence, pushes you to cross the limits to control your life partner.
2. As possessiveness is triggered by low self-esteem, you can spend some time to build your own. You can make your list of strengths, qualities, values, and skills that make you unique. It will not only build your self-confidence but also help you to understand what great things you can offer to any relationship.
3. Another way to build self-esteem and confidence is to indulge yourself in interesting hobbies, activities, projects, and friends.
4. Keep reminding yourself that you don’t need any specific relationship to complete or fulfill you. Remember that relationships are only meant to enrich your life not to complete you.
The bottom line
Initially possessiveness may be mistaken as love, but with time it stands out as a persistent and negative trait. It destroys relationships with mistrust, insecurities, and fear.
Every healthy relationship allows space and freedom to the partners. It gives freedom to the partners to choose. There is no need to control each other. There is a beautiful feeling of giving love and care to the other person to nurture them.
In nutshell, while love builds the partner, possessiveness destroys them.