“Iski shaadi karado, sab buri aadatein chooth jayegi” (Translation: Get him married, all his bad habits will go away). Says my aunt to my cousin’s mother, who was extremely worried about her irresponsible son. My aunt unapologetically further adds,
“He just needs to settle down and his partying will stop. And, so would his drinking and spending problem. His wife will set him straight!”
My cousin is a melting pot of many bad habits. Sadly my uncle and aunt, who are extremely rich, never cared about raising their son right. They were so busy pampering him, that they ignored and hid his mistakes rather than correct them. Being the only son in an Indian business family, he was always treated like a prince.
On many occasions, our uncle and aunt showcased their son as a trophy. They also tried to put my parents down as they are blessed with two daughters. They always reminded my parents how they don’t have a son who could take care of them in their old age. It was this superiority complex, that blinded them how their son was involved in a bad company and picking up bad habits.
And, though these parents never took responsibility for raising their son right, now they expect a complete stranger to set him straight. I wonder how easy it is for our society to expect marriage or wife to fix their badly raised men. Why society, believes women can get change their son’s bad behavior when they couldn’t do it in the last so many years?
But, this isn’t just the story of my cousin. These are the stories of so many households that believe marriage is a perfect antidote for badly raised men. It is heartbreaking how our society allows one gender to indulge in all sorts of bad behaviors while expects the other to bear the responsibilities of those bad behaviors.
Our daughters, who marry these men not only suffer the brunt of their abusive behaviors but also of in-laws, who keep blaming them for their son’s bad behavior. Blaming the women for the husband’s bad behavior isn’t shocking at all. We live in a society, that blames everything (parenting, divorce, etc.) that goes wrong in marriage on women or feminism (when the modern woman refuses to bow down to suffer).
I pray for strength for all those daughters, who marry badly raised sons and expected to fix them.
Here are my 2 cents for these daughters – please don’t hold yourself accountable for your husband’s bad behaviors. Please don’t punish yourself for not being able to correct them. Stop blaming yourself for not being a good wife just because your husband’s bad habits are not vanishing away. It’s not our job to fix them or raise them as a child. We are not rehab centers for badly raised men.