(Before you read this letter, I want to tell you that this part of my life has been secret for almost a year now. Losing a child is the most difficult journey that a mother could make. After debating with I For Her team for almost a week, I decided to write my feelings as a part of my grieving process and in the hope that someone else who underwent a similar phase doesn’t feel alone. But, I would still like to keep it as a personal experience and hence, I am writing it anonymously.)
Do you miss us?
Do you miss the lullabies that momma used to sing to you?
Do you miss momma’s touch and daddy’s tickling?
It was exactly a year ago when we got to know the news about your arrival. We were so excited as your daddy and I had waited for this news for almost 3 years.
Hardly, we knew that a storm called miscarriage will take you away forever even before we have touched you for the first time.
Your daddy tries to be a strong man. He feels that you are watching us from heaven. And, hence he doesn’t like to cry. He feels that you should win the contest – Whose daddy is strongest? – if it ever happens in heaven.
But your mom is not a strong woman anymore. Once I was known to face any adversity in life with a smile on my face but your loss has broken me from inside.
I miss you every moment.
I miss your beating heart, tiny hands, and feet, and your tongue that was just about to develop. But, more importantly, I miss things that I could have done with you!
When my friends upload these amazing pictures with their babies on facebook, I couldn’t help but feel jealous. I start questioning why I was the unlucky one who has been deprived of those special moments.
Why I never got to hold you?
Why I never got to rock you sleep?
Why I never got to smell your intoxicating baby scent?
Why I never got to hear you calling me Momma in your little voice?
Why I never got to hear you telling me how much you love me?
I will never drop you off to school on your first day and cry the whole ride back because I realize how much I miss you.
I will never see your father helping you in the becoming the best in the sport you are interested in.
I will never be able to watch you grow and become your own person.
I won’t ever be able to tease you with your boyfriend/ girlfriend.
I won’t ever be able to call myself the proudest mother in the whole world while watching you graduating from your college.
There is not a single day that goes by when I don’t think about the things that I couldn’t do with you. I always keep telling myself that Heaven might be even more beautiful than our home.
I want to tell you that I fall in love in with you every day and I will never ever stop loving you! You will forever and always be my baby!
Your Loving Griefing Momma
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this post are the personal views of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of I for Her. Authors are responsible for any omissions or errors. And, I for Her does not assume any liability or responsibility for them.