I miss you. And, I miss you every day. I wish you were here.
A year has passed since you left. And with every passing moment, I have felt a lot emptier without your smile, your laughter, and your wisdom.
It is sad and heartbreaking that parts of you have begun to fade from my memory.
And, yet some painful parts have stuck. Though I have forgotten some bits of your laugh, I remember your painful cry. I have forgotten the smell of your hair, but remember how you were lying on a bed with all the needles stuck into your beautiful and soft skin.
But, don’t feel sad mom.
Because even those painful memories are beautiful as they are memories of you. And there is a lot more of you left in my life than those painful memories.
My mirror tells me I have stolen your reflection.
Every day, I look more strong like you. My face lines, my smile all show the sign of your charisma that I have so much of you in me. I wear your clothes sometimes and it feels like you’re here.
Sometimes I watch your favorite movie – ‘Chori Chori’, listen to your favorite song – ‘Aaja Sanam’, just to feel that somewhere far in the universe, you would also feel the connection that I’m feeling at that moment.
It was just 20 days after my marriage when the doctor gave us the news that tore our whole family apart. The news of you fighting a battle for life against Breast Cancer.
Though I was striving to be the sincere ‘Bahu‘ you always wanted me to be, I always felt the pain of the ‘Beti’ in me. She was always struggling with the guilt of not being around you, to take care of you, to help ease your pain.
When the doctor told us that we had only 6 months left, the only thought that stuck with me was to fulfill your last wish – to meet your grandson before you leave us all. And, the daughter in me said it would be the last gift from this daughter to her mother.
And, then I kept praying and setting new milestones.
Hoping that you would be around on your grandkid’s special moments – the first time he sits, says his first word, takes his first step, celebrates his first Diwali, Holi, first birthday or his first day at school and so on.
What this daughter forgot was that though she brought her kid to life for her mother, she would need her mom more than ever on this journey of motherhood.
And, I couldn’t thank God and you for gathering the courage to turn the 6 months deadline into 6 beautiful years.
But I still need you, Mom!
I miss you whenever I want to seek advice about my marriage or my life or my kid. Because I know one person who would always want best for me is you, Mom!
Mom whenever I miss you or I feel all alone in this crowded world, I revisit the last pleasant memory that I am left with.
It was a month before you decided to go to heaven. You were making faces about home-cooked food and weren’t ready to eat Dalia. You shared your desire to have a burger, kulfi, noodles, and your favorite ‘golgappas‘. And, then you and Vedaant fighting over ketchup and struggling with Kulfi to avoid creating a mess.
That night while sleeping, both of you held my hands tightly.
I know it’s strange, but I feel I understand you so much better now. Every fight that we had, every argument that we engaged in wasn’t about you. You were actually fighting for me. And now, I fight so many similar monsters, though people perceive that I try to fight them for myself but actually the fight is for the ones who matter.
I can tell you no matter how much people try to comfort me – a mom is irreplaceable for a child.
When a mom dies, its a part in her kid’s soul that dies too. The loss makes it so hard to breathe. The helpless broken child becomes as fragile as the cotton seeds that get knocked around in the wind.
Mom, like those cotton seeds, sometimes I’ve landed on solid ground, sometimes I landed in a pond and sometimes, I drowned. But Mom, I survived.
Thanks, Mom for being my guardian angel. I know you are looking up to me from heaven, and smiling as always!