“You know my mother has supported my bua (aunt) when she stood against her abusive in-laws. She is one hell of a progressive woman. She protected her mother from my toxic grand-dad and took care of her till her last breath! I think you will fall in love with her the moment you will meet her!”, my boyfriend told me as he took me to meet his parents before seeking permission to marry!
Five years have passed. My boyfriend and I got married. And, my feminist mother-in-law has turned into one of those nagging mothers-in-law, against whom she fought throughout her life.
But, she isn’t alone. There are many women, who deem to be feminist but as soon as their son get married suddenly they become the torch-bearers of patriarchal society!
It amuses me how so many women are strong feminists when it comes to their daughters, but as soon as it is about their sons, the same women turn themselves into promoters of patriarchy? And, I always wonder why? Why they want their daughters to be strong but their daughter-in-law to be submissive and meek? Why they want their daughters to stand against the regressive rules while expecting their daughter-in-law to follow the same?
Why do they become another woman’s enemy when it comes to her son?
They want their daughters to treat themselves as a priority, but expect daughter-in-law to chose the family, kids, and husband over themselves! The things they told their daughters not to follow because of being regressive are forced on their daughter-in-law in the name of family values! But, why?
These fake women empowerment mothers don’t care about feminism; Though they might want them to be perceived as feminist, they hardly care about other women!
The only thing they care about is power and their control! They are blinded by love for their son so much that they don’t see how they are ill-treating the other woman!
In the name of love, they tend to embark on the quest to control their sons!
These sons most of the time find themselves so confused that they are hardly able to accept that their loving mommy now turned into a monster for their wives! Inability to take a stand against their strong mothers, these sons often tend to refuse to acknowledge their mother’s toxic behavior towards their spouse or try to convince their partners to suffer in silence.
“She says things to you because she cares about you!” “She likes you that’s why she wants you to be better!” is what they will tell their life partners to normalize their mother’s toxic behaviors!
Since their childhood, these sons have seen their mothers as loving, caring, feminist women. Hence, these sons refuse to trust their wives when they open up about their mother-in-law’s toxic behaviors. But the story doesn’t end here. The woman, who once stood firm for herself and her rights, now forces her son to take control of the house. She wants him to be more manly; to be more macho; to be more controlling! She leaves no stone unturned in letting his son know that he needs to be firm and make her wife do things the right way i.e. her way!
While this is the story of many households in India, it makes me wonder why these once strong and independent women turn themselves into such anti-feminist monsters?
Why there is a sudden change in their attitude? Why do they want to make sure their sons control their wives? Why do they want to have the upper hand in all their son’s life decisions? Why they compete with their daughter-in-law even though they themselves, once promoted, how women need to be women’s biggest supporters?
Mostly, these women are well-educated working women who themselves lived life on their own terms; who took pride in carrying the label of feminist. Sadly, these women were never true promoters of gender equality!
Being a feminist is not just about fighting for your rights and dreams. It is about treating men and women equally; it is about raising feminist children; it is about respecting opinions without considering genders. It is definitely not about abuse of power or attitude to control your son’s and his wife’s life! It is about fighting against monstrous women who abuse their power to make their DILs’ lives miserable!