It is heart-breaking how sometimes, marriage rather than giving you love, care, happiness, and support, fills your life with sadness, despair, disappointment, and much more. Rather than being excited about sharing your life with a new partner, you feel tired and exhausted. Rather than feeling blessed, you feel frustrated and left wondering if it was a mistake to marry!
For being married for 4 years, I was tired of being treated secondary; I was tired of being the one, who was always expected to act maturely; I was tired of being the one, who was always expected to apologize if there was an argument between me and my in-laws.
While I was struggling with the ill-treatment, my husband refused to take a stand for me. His classic response for not taking a stand for me against his family’s injustice was: “How can I do this to my mother? How can I say this to my sister? How can you even expect me to pick up a side against my own family? How can I hurt them?”
Every time I opened up about being intentionally isolated; Every time I shared how I felt broken and unhappy; Every time I expressed how I needed him to take a stand for me against the abuse, he would tell me just one thing – Chod na yaar! Let it go!
On one occasion, he said: “My mom has been taking care of me all her life. She has sacrificed her comfort and desires so that she can give the best life to me and my sister. You can’t even imagine how much she has done for us! And, now when she is old, you want me to ask her to change?”
On another occasion, he said: “Why do you argue with my family? Why can’t you understand their intentions and heart are in the right place? They don’t want bad for us! They say things but that doesn’t mean you will raise your voice! You need to apologize to them! Anyway, you are younger than them, they will forgive you!”
“But Rohan, why should I be the one apologizing? I wasn’t wrong!”
“She is my mom! That’s good enough a reason for you to apologize to her for your misbehavior. And, secondly, she is elder to you!”
On multiple occasions, he has asked me to bow down or let go just because he doesn’t want his family to get hurt.
But, that’s not it. There have been times when he fought with me just because he spoke to his Mom rudely. Even though I wasn’t even in the picture, he yelled at me in front of his mother to give her comfort! If he does a thing for me to express his love, he makes sure he does 5 different things for his mother and sister so that they don’t feel hurt!
I don’t mind my husband doing things for his mother and sister. But what hurts me is how he intentionally tends to ignore me or even argue with me just to please their egos!
This problematic behavior stems from just one belief: My husband doesn’t want to get her mother or family hurt; And to make sure it doesn’t happen – he is ready to go to any extreme. Even if he hurts his wife to please his mother, sister and family, that’s fine for him!
This pathetic belief of his makes me sick to my stomach; it makes me feel how I must be always at the receiving end just because he doesn’t want to take a stand against his family’s abusive behavior!
But then what about my pain? As a wife, am I not a part of his family? As a wife, don’t I have the right to deserve respect and happiness?
But this isn’t just about my husband. There are many husbands across the world who believe that it is okay to hurt their wives to keep others happy! They assume that wives will understand why they are being treated, the way they are treated!
But, isn’t it unfair that our men are okay to sacrifice their wives’ happiness, self-respect, and dignity for the sake of others? Isn’t it heart-breaking how our men so desperate to please the shallow egos of their family, that they refuse to acknowledge the pain of their life partner?
We are living in the 21st century and it is soul-shattering how many wives are still treated like second-class citizens in their own marriage! Dear Men, you can’t hurt your mother and family! We understand. But you can’t hurt your wife too!
Dear Men, please don’t marry if you can’t give your wife a home where she gets the love and respect she deserves! Dear Men, it’s high time you become the husband we deserve!