“Beta, she feels lonely. You canceled her plan to visit us at the last minute. While you have time for your parents and sisters, you have no time for her. She is also your family now. You say you love her, then why do you shy away from showing her affection?”, my father had a heart-to-heart discussion with my husband as I was tired of raising my concerns about loneliness in my marriage!
From time to time, I made every attempt to have this conversation with my husband. But each time I made an attempt, he shooed me away by making an excuse that it was all in my head; that I am blind to all the things that he does for me; that I am ungrateful to be married into such a loving family!
After struggling for almost 2 years, I opened up to my parents and shared how lonely I feel in this marriage; how my husband has no regard for my happiness; how he keeps telling me that he loves me but doesn’t leave a chance to gossip or entertain complaints about me in front of his parents and his sisters! Hence, I turned to my parents for their help.
And, the conversation between my father and my husband made me feel so proud that I wanted to share it with the larger group of people. I want the society to understand why and how men need to treat their wives better!
“Papa, I have a family too. I can’t ignore them and give all my time to Sneha just because she feels lonely. After marriage, my parents also feel lonely. And, I don’t want to feel ignored or left out.”
“Beta, I can understand. What you are going through is a genuine problem that all men go through. We don’t want to hurt our parents or family. And to do so, we mostly tend to hurt the life partner, whom we have promised to be together always! Please understand that your life has changed now. You have a new member in your family. But, if you can’t accept her as a family member, if you gossip about her with your family or entertain unfair complaints about her, then you haven’t understood the meaning of marriage! You may not even deserve to have her by your side.”
“Papa, my family doesn’t complain about Sneha. They just want her to adjust as per our family rules. She can’t live life as she was doing it before marriage. My family expects her to act like a bahu!”
“But beta, before she becomes a good bahu, you have to become a good husband. If you have to keep ignoring her, then why did you marry her! While she was leaving our house, you promised me that you will keep her happy and safe! The success of any marriage lies in emotional partnership! But, you keep abandoning Sneha emotionally! If you have to do it, then why don’t you send her back? If you can’t express love and care to her, then why do you expect her to be friendly! If you don’t ask your family to accept her, then why do you expect her to treat them like her own parents!
Beta, you demanding love, care and respect from her but don’t give her anything in return, isn’t it selfish? Stop being a puppet husband! Your wife has emotions and she loves you! You promised her a good life! But, if you can’t fulfill that promise, let her come back! Because believe me, she deserves a happy life! It’s up to you – whether you want to be a responsible husband or a puppet husband. Because if you want to be latter, you don’t deserve my daughter. In fact, you don’t deserve anyone’s daughter!”
After this conversation, my husband wasn’t happy, but I was! Because I felt that at least someone understood that I don’t deserve loneliness in my marriage. I deserve happiness. While things are bit better now as both of us are seeking counseling, but I have a small message for all Indian men:
Dear Indian Men, If you choose to be a puppet husband; if you chose to be under the control of your parents; if you refuse to act as an adult, if you choose to use respect for elders as an excuse to leave your wife alone in marriage, then please don’t marry! Please don’t spoil someone’s life!