A heart-touching post by our community member that captures the struggle of many wives. Any wife who has been told by her husband to IGNORE the abuse and suffer in silence would be able to relate to it.
“M, why would your mother say such rude things to me? And, that too in front of so many people! How could you not even say a word to her when she was insulting me, my upbringing and my parents? How could you stay so mum?”
My husband was quick to negate my tense requests and responded,
“Hey, don’t get me involved. This is the matter between the women of the house. And, better I don’t get between you and my mom. But, I feel that you should ignore things that she says. She doesn’t mean even half of what she generally talks about. Don’t take her seriously.”
Image: First Consumers Watch
While this conversation was a regular dialogue between me and my husband, it broke my heart every time. Rather than standing for my dignity, he asked me to IGNORE it.
But this isn’t just my story. Many women tend to expect their husbands to control the abuse and toxicity brought by his family into her life. But most men take the easy way out and tell their wives to IGNORE.
My Initial Struggling Days When I Tried Hard To Ignore
Initially, I tried really hard to ignore the things that were said to me. I just wanted to keep myself at peace. But, with time, when things get worse, I started becoming irritable. From a happy and bubbly person, I turned into a sad and hopeless soul.
Not being able to ignore all the stuff that was being said to me, I started labeling myself as a failure. Every time harsh things were said to me, rather than ignoring them, they tend to keep playing in my head for the whole day and sometimes the whole week.
With every passing day, I started feeling weak as I wasn’t able to ignore the abuse. But then one day, it struck me that it wasn’t my weakness but my strength that I refused to be treated like a doormat. Sadly, it was my husband’s weakness that neither he was able to take a stand for me nor he was supportive of me fighting for my dignity.
The Issue With Our Husband’s Concept Of Ignoring Abuse
Though my husband told me to ignore the abuse, he didn’t mention for how long? Based on simple logic, I need to keep ignoring it till the day, his parents, especially his mother, realize that what they are putting me through is not only unfair but also inhumane.
And, the probability of that happening on its own, without any intervention, was almost next to zero.
In other words, with the promotion of his mantra to ‘IGNORE’, my husband was actually expecting me to shut my eyes to the abuse and suffer silently till eternity. And, then I realized that I can’t ignore it anymore. I have to stand for myself and my dignity.
So next time, when there was a comment or a taunt, I stood my ground. I answered back. And, then what happened exposed me to my husband’s hypocrisy.
“S, why do you have to talk back at my mother, why you don’t have any respect for elders, for my mother, for my parents?”
The man, who always told me to ignore things when the abuse was happening to me, suddenly couldn’t ignore things when it was said to her mother. The man who stood mum, when things were said to me suddenly raised his voice just because I refused to stay silent anymore.
“No M, I haven’t spoken to her rudely. I have just stood up for myself. But, if you felt bad, then why not you just IGNORE it – the mantra that you are preaching since our marriage.
As you always said, it is my home and this is my family, so I don’t have to be mistreated anymore. And, I don’t want to wait for you to take a stand for myself because if I won’t protect my dignity, then who will.
When you can’t tell your mother to IGNORE my flaws and accept me as a part of family, then how could you keep expecting me to ignore the hurtful things that she keeps saying?”
My husband realized his hypocrisy and couldn’t even say another word. But, by now he realized that I am not going to bow down anymore to the abuse. So, it’s been a while I haven’t heard him telling me to ‘IGNORE Things’.
Dear Indian Men,
Before you tell your wife to ignore the abuse, ask yourself if that would have happened to your mother, father, or sister, would you have asked them to ignore it too? Just because your wife is in love with you and tends to be understanding, don’t manipulate her in remaining silent against the abuse.
Dear Men, Please Don’t shut your eyes to the abuse she suffers. Don’t shut your ears to the endless attacks on her self-respect and her self-worth. Please support your wife as she stands for her dignity; rather than ask her to ignore it.