My aunt wanted to take a stand against her abusive in-laws; My cousin refused to make endless compromises in her marriage; My friend wanted to stop making un-fair adjustments in her life to please the egos of her husband and her family!
But, every time these brave women attempted to raise their voices, their own family members told them to shut up and make adjustments. They were told:
“Women have to make compromises and adjustment. If a woman doesn’t make compromises, marriage will break!”
And when I was about to get married, these golden words were said to me too. My mother, my sister, my father, and many distant relatives, in different words, conveyed the same message:
“If I will compromise and make adjustments, my marriage will succeed!”
Compromises Are Only For Woman
As I spent more and more days in my marriage, I realized my story was no different from my friend, my aunt, or my cousin.
There were times when I would crave to spend some time with my parents but I always had to be with my husband’s family. And I couldn’t complain, because as a woman it is expected of me to make compromises; to make adjustments.
When he got a better job offer, I was told to make a compromise and leave my job to move to another city with him. I did because remember compromises are to be made by a woman or else the marriage would break.
During our fights or argument, I had to learn to keep my calm or back off. Doesn’t matter how strong the reaction he gave to me, I had to learn to live with it without complaint. Because remember, that a marriage could break if I don’t make the compromise.
Even when my in-laws threw taunts at me, as a daughter-in-law I had to manage the peace, respect, and dignity of my in-laws and my husband. And, in case I failed to – my marriage could break!
After 16 months of marriage, I realized that I had given much more to this marriage than I ever received. But, that’s what I was told how marriage is for women. Compromises and more compromises.
By this time I was broken into pieces. My heart was no longer in this marriage and my self-esteem was a thing of the past. With constant compromises, I no longer knew who I was. I was left with no energy and no desire to make compromises.
At that moment, I knew I couldn’t live my entire life like this… It was that moment when I refused to pay any heed to the advice that was given to me; I refused to make any more compromises.
And, with time, I realized that what my parents and society told me about women making compromises for marriage is utter nonsense. I realized that I didn’t have to make compromises for a happy married life; I didn’t have to bear the burden of being a perfect wife or a perfect daughter-in-law.
As I started standing up for myself; raising my opinions, making suggestions, calling out bad behaviors, I realized that any marriage that is healthy won’t break just because women refuse to suffer in silence! If it does, it wasn’t healthy in the first place.
It wasn’t easy for my husband and in-laws to accept these changes. But, with the clear dialogue and open communication with my husband, I managed to show him how I was losing myself in this marriage; how insignificant I felt. He understood that for the sake of successful marriage, I won’t be giving up on myself and my dreams going forward!
Even though I broke my chain of compromises; my marriage did not break.
Rather taking a stand against compromises saved me and my relationship! Because, now my marriage isn’t about one-sided sacrifices, compromises, or adjustment. Rather, it is about friendship, trust, and equality. And, this is true marriage!
To all the women, who were told to make endless compromises for the sake of marriage:
“If a woman doesn’t make compromises, marriage will break” is the biggest lie that we have been told. Please stop making endless compromises for the sake of marriage. Your marriage won’t break if you don’t compromise, rather it may save you!
Dear Parents, please stop telling your daughters to compromise for the sake of marriage! Rather tell them to fight for equality and dignity in marriage. Because that’s what they deserve!