Like many married women, I was raised to fulfill my dreams and conquer the world. I was made to believe that I can do anything that a man can do. With time, I realize that even I can do everything that a man can do, I will still have to fight for equality in my own marriage.
“Sachin, why can’t you cook even one meal a day? Why is it always me struggling to cook food for the whole family and wrapping up my meetings? Even if you don’t have work you hardly take the initiative to cook food! You don’t even offer your help when I am cooking for 6 people all alone. And even when I ask you to join, mummy stops you and you obey her orders and sit quietly like a 5-year-old.”
“Nisha, you always misunderstand mummy. Mummy loves your cooking. She doesn’t want me to come into the kitchen and ruin your recipes or spoil things.”
“Sachin, if I cook good food doesn’t mean I have to be punished for it. Even if I am tired like hell, the whole family waits for me to come and cook food. No one even steps in the kitchen to help me out.”
“Nisha, it’s a matter between you and mummy. Please don’t treat me like a messenger. Tell this to mummy on your own.”
“I did Sachin but she tells me to leave my job if it is becoming difficult to manage. She tells me how your job is more important than mine. And, I can leave my job if I can’t handle it. I tried explaining to her how now the time is changing and how men and women want to be treated as equals. And, both want to have a career and fulfill their dreams.
But, then She shuts me down saying I cannot forget my core responsibilities. She keeps arguing about how she also worked but never expected Papaji to help in the kitchen. I don’t want to do endless argument with her for such a small thing – that I want to be treated equally!”
My husband works, I do too! My husband can drive, I can too! My husband can invest money, file taxes, I can too! My husband can change a tire, I can too! My husband can fix a fuse, I can too!
I am capable to do everything that my husband can do, but that doesn’t make us remotely equal. Because, in our society, equality isn’t decided by our capabilities. It is decided by our gender.
Even though we hold the same educational degrees, even though I earn as much as he does, even though I am as busy as he is, I still don’t get the same respect that he does. While he is treated like a prince, I am treated like an educated maid.
While my husband is expected to sleep till about its time for the office, I am expected to get up at 6 am all alone. I am expected to do the preparation of meals all alone. It is so emotionally draining. Because you know you have not been treated equally. You really feel discriminated. And, I was raised by a family who really believed men and women are equal. While my father can cook awesome dishes, my brother never shied away from washing utensils or clothes.
In midst of this discrimination, when your own husband refuses to acknowledge the problem, you feel cheated. You feel lonely and you feel heartbroken.
“Nisha, no one treats you differently. It is more in your head. I don’t know why you feel my mom treats you differently than me or my sister. She has different expectations from you than us but that doesn’t mean she discriminates. Maybe you are over assuming or you are watching too many those saas-bahu serials.”
What is more hurtful than treated differently, is your partner’s refusal to accept your struggle. His blindness towards the sufferings that you are made to go through just because you chose to marry him.
He sees people destroying your mental peace, but he observes everything silently. He sees you being torn apart and doesn’t say a word. He shows no remorse for you being constantly targeted or being treated like a doormat or second class citizen.
Somewhere, deep in his heart, he wants you to abide by all the rules so that his parents and family are happy with you. He forgets that marriage isn’t for his parents or family; it is for husband and wife.
So, here is what I want to tell my husband who chose to stay silent when his wife is treated like a doormat:
Dear Husband,
Thanks for not standing for me! Thanks for failing me and our marriage! Thanks for making me realize that I can’t count on anyone else but myself. Thanks for making me realize that I have to stand for myself when no one else will!
While I gave you my unconditional support, respect, and love, thanks for showing me how stupid I was to assume that you will give it too.
While you let people treat me like a doormat, I consistently made you my priority.
Thanks for letting people mistreat me because that has made me acknowledge the hidden source of strength in me that I never knew existed before – the strength to fight for my dignity, the strength to fight for my dreams; the strength to fight for happiness all alone!
Thanks, dear husband for not being the husband I wanted you to be!
Your Wife