“Rajni, though the rajma is nice… But it has a little less salt in it. Even the spices are less. You know right cooking is all about the perfect balance.” my mother in law’s commented to prove how she is better than me.
Now, if the same thing would have happened a year back, I would have felt extremely bad or I would have reacted. I would have said: No mummy, salt and spice looks fine to me. I don’t know why you don’t like it! But the time has changed. And so have I. I have stopped reacting to my narcissistic mother-in-law. Rather, I took a bite and said – “So Yummy. I really liked them. They are just perfect!”
“Rohit, your mother is still alive. Don’t you think it is important to ask me before you make plans with your wife. Now, you have wife, so you don’t need me anymore? You have started pretending that I don’t exist?”
This was my mother’s-in-law most favourite way to make my husband and I feel guilty of spending time with each other. And more often than not, this toxic comment will lead to a huge fight between me and my mother-in-law. While my husband would stand like a dummy, I would be blamed and held accountable for the feisty argument. This mess would take so much mental space and leave me disappointed in myself, my husband and my marriage!
But with time, I understood my mother in law’s dominance and narcissism a lot better, and I stopped reacting to them. Because I realize that more I react to her toxicity, the more she enjoys. So, I stopped reacting to my mother’s-in-law toxic and narcissistic behaviour.
I told myself that my mental peace is in my own hands. Hence, I need to stop reacting.
So when she would call my husband endlessly when we are on an outing, I won’t sulk. I wouldn’t react and I won’t raise the matter to my husband. I would find my own peace in ignoring her presence and toxicity! I stopped giving her toxic behaviour my attention!
While the earlier Rajni would have sulked, fought, cried, threw tantrums to seek equality in her marriage, the new Rajni just maintained her inner peace at any cost. She chose to ignore so that she could sleep in peace and focus on herself and her career. The new me didn’t crave for my husband’s approval or political correctness.
And, now my life is peaceful. I live in my own peaceful world – where I neither crave for my husband’s acceptance or support; nor I attempt to indulge in the argument with my mother-in-law to show how wrong and regressive she is.
I have come to the terms that my narcissistic mother in law doesn’t like me. I have given up all the desire to make her fall in love with me. I have made peace with that.
In case you are struggling with narcissist and toxic mother-in-law and your husband acts dummy, please take charge of your life and happiness. Negative people have a tendency to loop you in their drama and suck your happiness, peace and love out of you. Don’t let that happen! Don’t indulge into their drama! Because if you do, then you will destroy your own happiness and peace!
Being depressed, irritated and choked by my mother in law’s behaviour, I came to the verge of destroying myself and my marriage!
But, after 2 years of my struggle, I stumbled over this great mantra of maintaining mental peace. IGNORE PEOPLE WHO ARE TOXIC! IGNORE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU OR YOUR HAPPINESS! REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP!
Please stop reacting, tolerating and sulking! You need to stop giving attention to toxic and narcissistic people because they feed on your attention.
I know it is easier said than done. And believe me, it was really tough to ignore, to let go of the hurt, to let go of the anger, to let go of the pain that I went through. But with time I realized, ignoring negative people brought so much peace and love to my life.
Now with no negativity, there are no fights between my husband and me; this mantra of ignoring my toxic mother-in-law has got my husband and me closer; and as mother-in-law keep wondering how to loop me in her drama; I lead a happy married life! As I have learnt to put myself above the toxicity and manipulation, here’s a message for mother-in-law:
No, mother-in-law I won’t indulge in your drama and politics! I Love my peace!