Daily, many women in our community share their feelings of being abandoned and ignored by their husbands. While they do so many things for their husbands and their families they hardly receive the same love and care in return. One of the most common concerns among married women is how the husband chooses family over his wife, despite her significant sacrifices for him.
Recently, one of our community members shared a letter about how she feels neglected and heartbroken as her husband chooses his family over her – even when his family is at fault. How does she feel betrayed by the same person whom she loved so much? While feeling broken and unsure of what to do, she asks us if there are ways to repair her marriage. and make her husband understand why he can’t simply take sides with his family, even when they are wrong.
Her letter resonated so deeply with many of us that we realized the importance of sharing tips on ‘What to do when the husband chooses family over wife?’. Here are some valuable tips on building better relationships for couples who feel the husband chooses family over wife or wife chooses family over husband. This is also good for those who are struggling with a similar issue with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
But, before we share the tips, here is a letter from a wife who felt that her husband chose his family over her, inspiring us to create this resource on ‘What to do when the husband chooses his family over his wife?’
Letter from the wife whose husband chooses his family over her
My husband took me to our favorite coffee shop just a day before our engagement, took my hand in his, and said: “Whatever happens, I will always be there for you. I will always protect you!” But, hardly I knew, that his promise of protecting me comes with *Terms and Conditions*. He didn’t mention that he would not protect me if I had been insulted or attacked by his own family. If my dignity is being squashed by his parents, he will choose to stay silent.
When his parents insult me, he never stands up for me
After 4 years of marriage, when I am insulted in front of him by his parents, he hardly says a word. He lacks the courage to stand up for the person, who left everything for him – her family, her home! Rather than fighting for my dignity, he would tell me to ignore things or try to justify his parents’ toxic behavior towards me.
It breaks my heart that when I feel insulted, he never stands up for me. While I made him my priority, it is heart-wrenching that I was still not his priority. Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping he would try to make his parents understand their faults. But every time, he tried to normalize their toxic behaviors in the name of respect for elders or love for him.
When I tried to stand up to his toxic parents, he would ask me to ignore
Whenever I tried to stand up to his family for insulting me or my parents or my life choices, he would tell me: “You need to understand why they said that to you; They are not your enemies.” or “Accept them, they are like that. It’s difficult to change them now.” or “Why do you focus so on what they say? They care about you. Just ignore.” or “You need to stop being so emotional or touchy. Try to ignore the bad things and look for the good ones.”
I wonder how he could blind himself to the treatment that I was met with. How could he act like everything is normal? I didn’t leave my parents and my home to be treated like an educated maid. I left my whole life behind to create a beautiful future with him. But sadly, for him, my pain is meaningless. Our marriage is brutally affected by the fact that rather than standing up to his parents to make things work, he tells me to tolerate this abuse silently.
I refuse to be a victim and want to stand up for my dignity
But, I refuse to become a victim of toxic behavior anymore. I refuse to let people stomp on my dignity and self-respect, while he stands silently. I am going to stand up for myself, even if he can’t. Because respect is a two-way street. If his parents can’t respect me or my family, they should stop demanding it.
While I am charting my path to stand up for myself and my dignity, I was wondering if you could share some easy, simple, and doable things that can help me in coping with this issue. Thanks – T (Member of your beautiful IforHer Community.)
What You Should Do If Husband Chooses His Family Over You?
It is heartbreaking what this community member has been going through. The issue that she is facing has been faced by many strong and independent women of our generation. While the earlier generation would choose to accept this as normal, our generation would expect our husbands to take a stand for their wives’ dignity and respect. Because if you can’t protect the dignity of the person who left everything for you and strived hard to make you happy – would that be even love?
What You Should Do If Husband Chooses His Family Over You?
Dealing with a situation where your husband chooses his family over you can be challenging and emotionally difficult. Here are some steps to consider:
Unfortunately, many husbands who have seen their fathers not standing up for their mothers – fail to understand that a successful marriage requires both love and respect. But, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to work on their marriage. So, our first suggestion would be for you to have open, honest, and effective communication.
Don’t get emotional when your husband fails to understand how you feel because given their parenting, it might be difficult for them to understand your pain. So, be patient and explain your issues, tell him how it is affecting you and their marriage, and come up with an agreed action plan. During this conversation, make sure you just don’t get too busy to share your thoughts and forget to listen to him. Effective communication can help both of you understand each other’s feelings and find a middle ground.
2. Seek Professional Help
If the issue persists and communication alone doesn’t resolve the problem, consider seeking professional help from a marriage counselor or therapist. A neutral third party can facilitate productive discussions and offer guidance in resolving conflicts.
3. Set Boundaries
Establish healthy boundaries with both your husband and his family. Make sure your needs and feelings are respected, and communicate those boundaries clearly.
4. Focus on Your Relationship
Work on nurturing your relationship and finding ways to strengthen the bond between you and your husband. Spend quality time together, engage in activities you both enjoy and prioritize your connection.
5. Be Patient and Understanding
Change takes time, and family dynamics can be complex. Be patient and understanding while navigating through the situation.
6. Take Care of Yourself
Remember to take care of your emotional well-being. Surround yourself with supportive friends or family, engage in hobbies, and seek activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
7. Seek Support
Don’t hesitate to seek support from trusted friends or family members who can offer guidance or lend a listening ear during challenging times.
Ultimately, every relationship is unique, and the approach to handling such a situation may vary. What matters most is open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to work together to find a resolution that benefits both partners in the marriage.