In an Indian arranged marriage, many times, parents of the bride act as muted spectators. They are so focused on pleasing the groom’s parents that they hardly see them as an equal participant in the process. Sadly, other than asking the basic questions like education, job, salary, future prospects, parents hardly ask any specific question to the man, whom they are going to get their daughter married. The parents who were agitated by their daughter’s single tear, are now ready to take such a huge risk of getting their daughter married to someone whom they hardly know.
But, my baba is not like those parents. My father who raised me to be an independent woman knew no Indian men, who believe in patriarchy could live with his daughter. So, rather than just asking the obvious questions to the to-be grooms, my father was ready with some ‘uncomfortable’ questions – that made many people feel that my baba is shameless. But, he isn’t shameless. He is a father, who is deeply in love with her daughter and won’t agree to get her married to someone whom he barely knows.
As many independent women, I used to go on rishta meetings alone (with my list of questions). After meeting a dozen of boys, when I really liked Atul, I called him to meet my parents. Atul was very excited to meet my parents but hardly he knew what was about to hit him. After spending 10 minutes, my father started his questionnaire.
Do You Know How To Cook? Whose Responsibility Is Household Chores?
As a first question, my father asked Atul:
“Divya is as educated as you are. She is holding a similar kind of position in a MNC like you do. So, you would understand her work schedule. Do you still expect Divya to come back home and cook for you?”
This question shook everyone. Though we knew Baba will ask questions we didn’t know so direct. While my mom pinching my dad, my dad looks at Atul and asked:
“Divya know how to cook, do you?”
By this time, Atul knew this discussion was neither going to be easy nor going to be comfortable. So he clears his throat, sit straight and start answering the marathon of questions that my father posed to him. He tells my dad,
“Yes, uncle. I can cook. I can cook Dal, Chappati, Eggs, Noodles, Sabzi. I may not be able to cook as good as Aunty, but I can manage. Additionally, we have domestic help, who cooks and clean. We don’t even let mummy to cook as she is old now and she should take a break!”
It was a good answer and I thought it would have satisfied my father. But I was so damn wrong. My father continued,
“What if the maid doesn’t come or your cook takes a day off?”
“Then, we all will chip and finish the work. I have no shame in holding a jhaadu or doing pocha or washing utensils. My mother is very particular that it doesn’t matter whether you are a boy or girl, everyone should contribute to household chores equally!”, Atul answers
I took a sigh of relief that maybe this uncomfortable round of questions was over. But apparently not. My father had more questions.
Will You Support Her In Her Career?
“What if Divya gets an onsite opportunity? What if she has to travel for work?”
“Uncle, I can’t comment on the onsite opportunity. Because it’s something that as a couple we would decide at that time. But as far as your concern about Divya’s career aspiration, I want to give you 100% assurance that I will support her in her career as much as possible. I will never ask her to compromise on her aspirations just because she is married. I won’t let marriage be a burden on her ever!”
What If Your Parents Are Not As Supportive As You Are?
Then came the most uncomfortable questions:
“Hmm… would you stand by your answers in front of your parents too? What if they are not as supportive of Divya as you are, then what?
“Uncle, I would always stand for my answers. What I told you is what I believe in; is what I will do day in day out. My mother, herself being a working woman, understands how tough life could be for a woman, especially working women. I feel they are going to be supportive of Divya’s aspiration but if they aren’t, even then I will stand for what I feel is right – I feel everyone has a right to pursue their dreams at any cost!”
These questions made my mummy so uncomfortable that she left the table in anger and told my baba – “You are a girls’ boy, Have some shame!”. But my dad didn’t stop. And, I am happy he didn’t.
With every answer, I felt more confident about Atul. And, I was secretly thanking my baba for raising these questions. It’s not like I haven’t asked these questions. But his response to my father’s direct questions were sounding much more convincing and honest.
Will You Be Able To Live With A Woman Who Lives Life On Her Own Terms?
And, then Baba was ready with his final question:
“Like many youngsters, you want to live with a confident independent woman. But do you know many men find it so difficult to live with them? Because they use their own brains, they live life on their own terms and when people try to use them as doormats, they take a stand for themselves. They are not abla naris. They are real fighters. Do you think, you can live with such a person? And, if my words scare you, it’s better you find someone else. Because I know my daughter, she can be anything but an abla nari!”
“Uncle, your words don’t scare me. Infact, I am very happy that you had this direct conversation with me. I hope my answers so far may have given you insight into how I feel about Divya. I am happy that Divya is so strong. Somewhere, it gives me comfort, that any day when I feel weak, she could be strong for both of us!”
It’s been three years and I must say Atul is just the same person who he was when we met for the first time. I wasn’t the only one who choose Atul, I am more than happy that Baba also chose him for me!
The questions asked by my father might be uncomfortable but they are the questions that every parent needs to ask their future son-in-law for their daughters. Because in the end, your daughter is the most precious part of your life!