An open letter by a woman to society to stop making marriages a competition between women! They must not be competing against mother-in-law or sister-in-law or any other daughter-in-law! Stop comparing them!
Dear Society,
Why do you make marriage a competition for a newly wedded bride? Why do you keep comparing her against her mother-in-law or her sister-in-law? Why do you find reasons to make her feel less than any other woman?
Since the day she gets married, you make her marriage no less than a real-life competition.
Sometimes she is a part of the Masterchef Competition, where her cooking skills are pegged against her mother-in-law, and some days she is part of the Miss India Contest, where you would judge her looks, her attire and compare her with her sisters-in-law? But, that’s not it. Sometimes, she is pegged against even other daughters-in-law!
While society compares and pegs her against the other women, sadly her own husband carries the baton to compare her with his own mother. Sadly the mother-in-law, who faced similar treatment when she got married, takes pride in competing against this newly wedded bride for everything – from seeking attention to showcasing cooking skills to managing home responsibilities, etc.
Like many newly wedded bride, I also faced this treatment first hand. My husband and my mother-in-law put me under constant pressure by subjecting me to unfair comparisons. With constant comparison, I started losing my confidence. With time, I started pegging against my mother-in-law and started being my own abuser. I started struggling with heart-breaking questions like:
Whether I could ever get the same love and attention from my husband that his mother gets?
Whether I can ever cook Rajma Chawal like her? Whether my husband will ever appreciate me for what all I have done for him? Whether my husband will ever give the same rights to me as my mother-in-law has?
Frankly, that was the lowest moment of my life. Even after being well-educated and independent, I was still looking for approvals from my husband, mother-in-law, and society in general.
It took me two years to find my lost self-confidence; to understand that my marriage isn’t a competition. And no relationship is worth it if it makes you feel less about yourself.
So, I bucketed people in categories – whom I don’t need in my life; whom I need to ignore, and whom I can’t ignore and hence, needed to modify their behavior! The only person who lied in the last category was – my husband! He was too important to be ignored or kicked out of my life.
So we had an open conversation and told him how his constant comparisons are making me feel unhappy and lost. When he told me he wasn’t aware of how he was making unfair comparisons between me and his mother, I felt there was hope.
So in the coming months, I started pointing out my husband whenever he made an unfair comparison, and he started correcting his behavior.
So here are two cents for all the men, who land up comparing their wives to their mothers –
1. Your wife is not a replacement for your mother; Your mother is your mother; Your wife is your wife!
2. Your wife has nothing to prove you or to your mother; She is her own person and marrying you doesn’t mean she has to act like your mom!
3. If you are making her compete with your mother for your love and attention, then you definitely need to seek help. Because in the quest of being a son, you have forgotten to be a husband!
Dear Women,
Don’t let society make you the victim of their regressive thought-process. Don’t let society push you into the rat race of unfair competition with your mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law/ sister-in-law. Don’t let society make you doubt yourself and push you to be a copy of someone else!
You are awesome as you are!