As the mother of a son, I couldn’t shut my eyes to young men & women struggling to find happiness after marriage. The reason being we love our sons too much, too deeply.
As parents, we learned very well to let go of our daughters. Because of our patriarchal society, we are trained to love our daughters as ‘Paraya Dhan’. But when it comes to our sons, we love them so deeply; we tend to hold them so tight that we find it difficult to let go, even when they get married.
While we are fine if our daughter leaves the house and starts her new life with her husband, but we are disgusted when our son makes the same decision!
We are so blinded by love for our son that we forget to see how our deep attachment may suffocate his wife.
It makes me wonder why many of us forget to see how our attachment to our sons affects his marriage. How our overwhelming attachment leaves our daughter-in-law to feel insecure and lonely in her marriage? How she struggles to create her own place in our son’s life with our deeply rooted attachments?
Just a few days back, I spoke to my mother to let go of the deep attachments she holds with my brother. The reason being he has recently got married. The things that my mother tends to do for my brother, might be seen as an encroachment of personal space by my sister-in-law. And, I won’t blame my sister-in-law.
I do understand that my mother tends to do all those activities out of love. But sadly, this attachment is the reason why so many young women struggle to find peace and love in their marriage.
My mother herself was one such woman who always struggled for her space after marriage because of her controlling in-laws. So, it broke my heart when she started walking on the same path, that she once hated the most.
It was that fear of me turning into one of those parents, who are so deeply attached to their sons that they may not only fail their daughter-in-law but also their own son.
The Art Of Letting Go
Being a parent, I do understand it is never easy to let go. But for the sake of our own happiness and our kids’ happiness, it is way more important to learn this. As they say, it’s important to find love in detachment.
As a parent, it is always difficult to realize that the priorities of your child have changed. Raised in a society where sons are supposed to be insurance of old age, it is extremely difficult to let go.
The day my son will enter into a marriage/relationship, I would just leave him and his partner undisturbed in every possible way. I would let them live life as per their own wishes. I won’t bother them with my unsolicited advice or pass my judgments on their life choices.
I would accept the hard truth that my attachment to my son is complete. And, at that moment I would try to find love in my detachment.
I would remain detached but that doesn’t mean I won’t love my son anymore. I would step back and let my son and his partner build their home on their own terms.
During that time, rather than sulking that I’m not his priority anymore, I would find ways to love myself even more. Unlike many parents who are totally dependent on their children’s lives, to nurture their own selves emotionally, I would fill my emotional vacuum, with my own interests, hobbies, etc.
Dear parents, if we let go of the ones we love, they will never go away. That’s how love works!
Love is not about taking control; It is in giving up control.
Love is not about seeking respect; It is in giving respect.
Love is not in the attachment; It is in detachment!
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