Here’s a disclaimer for the reader:Before you judge my life story, it is very important for you to understand the word – “Mama’s boy and the connotation attached to it.”
Every child loves his/her mother. And, each one of us should. Because it is one of the purest relationships. So, let me put it out right away – a man loving his mother doesn’t become a mama’s boy. As per Wikipedia, Mama’s boy is a term, that came into existence in 1901, for a man seen as having an unhealthy dependence on his mother at an age at which he is expected to be self-reliant (e.g. to be able to take his own life decisions, etc.). The ‘mama’s boy’ has a connotation of effeminacy and weakness.
So, I am not talking about a man who loves his mother; I am talking about a man who isn’t capable of taking his life decisions; whose unhealthy dependence on his mother makes him so blind to his mom’s toxic behavior that his wife had to suffer the abuse on the daily basis. In simple words, a man who is invisible in marriage!
In case you are blessed with a loving and supportive husband, I am very happy for you. But, if my reality isn’t yours that doesn’t make it untrue. I still know many women, who struggle for marrying a mama’s boy and know many moms, who make sure that they don’t raise their sons, who are dependent on them in an unhealthy way.
So, here’s my story: I felt very lucky when I got married to a man, whom I thought would be a perfect life partner. But soon into my marriage, I realized how unlucky I was to marry a mama’s boy. For someone, who doesn’t know how it feels to marry a mama’s boy, it is no less than living a prison. Yes, prison.
Marriage with a mama’s boy comes with one supreme thing i.e. the endless desire of meeting his mother’s expectations. This marriage prefers the mother’s expectation over spousal love and support.
From stopping us to spend time together to giving us an order to make a baby within a year of marriage, my mother-in-law never hesitated from calling out very clear expectations. These expectations irked me but what irked me the most was my husband’s silent nods to all her unfair expectations.
I was told on multiple occasions that my husband was a son first and then a husband. And every time, I was emotionally abused, my husband stood quietly as if he had no voice.
In name of marriage, I was ignoring every bit of abuse or taunt that was thrown at me. But, I couldn’t take it anymore when I was asked to leave my job to plan a baby. I have nothing against motherhood, I think it is a beautiful journey. But, no one can force you to be a mother. And, frankly, I wasn’t even sure if I want to raise a child in such a toxic environment.
So, I retaliated. I told them I won’t leave my job and my mother-in-law made it clear that I can’t disrespect her decision in her home. What was heartbreaking was the fact that my husband, watched everything quietly! He didn’t utter a single word.
So, I packed my bag and left. Somehow, I was heartbroken but I felt a sense of pride and a sense of freedom – as if I was released from prison. I felt caged in that house and I saw it as an opportunity to create my own life.
To be honest, there were days when I felt sorry for my husband. Because I know, like me, he also never had a voice in that house. But, in the end, it was his choice, not mine.
Thankfully, I am blessed with supportive parents, who never uttered a single bad word about my decision. They always supported me.
After 2 days of dispute, my husband approached me to come back and promised me to make things right. But, I couldn’t trust him anymore. I told him I can’t live such a controlled life. I can’t blind myself to the toxic behavior of his mother as he did. He tried to give me the same explanation that every husband gives to her abused wife: “Ignore it! Just listen and don’t think about it! Don’t react.”
But, probably, I wasn’t ready to live in a home that felt like a prison. So, I told him either his mom’s attitude needs to change or I won’t come back. I suggested if his mom can’t change her attitude, either we should live separately or consider separation. Because I couldn’t see myself living miserably for life in a cage!
While many may judge me or call me selfish for asking a son to leave his parents, but these people don’t understand how it feels to live in a home – where you have no say in your life decisions and neither you nor your family has any respect. Even, the abuser refuses to change the toxic behavior or seek any help to change it.
My husband and I are still figuring out a solution as he still wants to make our marriage work but at the same time doesn’t want to leave his parents. And, frankly, I am not in any hurry either. Because this phase is making me learn so many things about my own self.
While I explore my strength to live life on my own terms, I am sure about one thing that I don’t want to be in a marriage, where my husband is invisible and all my life decisions are being taken by my controlling mother-in-law!