While marriage is a beautiful relationship but it turns into a living hell when you are stuck with a narcissistic and selfish husband. But, things are also equally bad when you are stuck with a husband, who is always worried about not letting his family being upset about his wife entering into his life.
Though this may sound strange and disgusting, believe me, it is not so uncommon as you think. There are many of us, who are with men, who are struggling to be husbands; who feel guilty if they even make the slightest attempt to be good husbands; who feel it is okay to let the wives feel lonely in the marriage to make their parents happy!
While you may want not to believe it, but sadly, I have lived it. When I got married I hardly knew that the man who promised to give me all the love; who promised to take care of me till the last breath, would be the one giving me the worst pain of my life!
From the fear of his family won’t like it, my husband never talked to me in front of others. He refused to directly talk to me if his family was around. And, sadly, when I raised the issue with him, he told me – I am overreacting. He told me many husbands don’t feel comfortable talking to their wives in front of the family! But, how can someone be ashamed of talking to his life partner?
Not only that, he would avoid making plans with me alone. The reason being he didn’t want his family to feel that he has changed. He didn’t want to do things that would upset his family. But, how can being a loving and caring husband would remotely upset his family. And, if it does, then why did he get married in the first place?
In front of the whole family, he will appreciate and praise everyone except me. He would randomly say how his mother is the best, how his sister is the best! I didn’t have any issue with him praising them, but I had an issue that he will praise everyone but not me. This made me feel devalued on so many occasions. I felt low in self-esteem. I felt dejected and insulted. And, every time I ask him why he would praise everyone and not me – he would say – “Riya, my family won’t like it. They will feel I have changed after marriage.”
He would never share things with me or ask my likes and dislikes. He would ask his mother or sister about what kind of furniture or appliances we should buy. He would discuss everything with everyone else except me. I felt like an outsider. I would wonder why I left my whole world for this man? Why did I leave everyone to be with a man who is too ashamed to even talk to me or ask me about my preferences in front of his family? Why did I marry a man who isolate me to show loyalty to his family? Why?
Nothing feels worse than being treated like an outsider by your own life partner. Nothing feels worse than being treated less than others. Nothing feels worse than feeling insecure, isolated, lonely at every step of your marriage. Marrying someone and then leaving her feeling lonely to make family happy is like bringing someone on a new path and then crushing them mercilessly!
It took my husband 4 years to realize that his strategy to make his wife feel lonely to show loyalty to his family is a shameless act. It took him 4 years to realize how our marriage left me depressed, angry, disillusioned, isolated and disgusted.
While my husband and I are working on my marriage, I know there are so many men, who still believe it is a good strategy to leave their wives lonely and unhappy in marriage, to keep family happy! To those men – “You don’t deserve marriage! Stop using your wives to satisfy egos. She is not here to break your family! Please don’t break her! If you just want to be a good son at the expense of being a husband, then you neither deserve your marriage nor your wife! Period.