“Ritu, you got up now? How could you sleep till so late? Your Papaji doesn’t like this. Try to wake up early!”, my mother-in-law tells me as the clock clicked 7:30 am and my husband was still in deep sleep.
“Tell your wife that she needs to respect the elders. If she doesn’t like what elders of the house, then she can stay quiet! It’s not always important to put her so-called modern views on display.” My father-in-law tells my husband as I answered back to a relative who shamelessly asked my in-laws what my parents gave my in-laws for Diwali!
“Your wife has no tameez (respect). Tell her to talk to you properly at least when people are around. She has no respect for her husband. She shouldn’t call you the way she calls. Is this a movie?” My mother-in-law tells my husband. The issue – I asked him to serve to the guests as I was in the kitchen preparing snacks!
There are some more …
“Please tell your wife. This is not her mummy’s house that she can do anything that she wishes. This house has some rules and she should learn those rules. After all, she came to our house, we didn’t go to hers!”
“Why does she not listen to her sister in law? Her sister in law is elder to her. She should listen and learn things from her. How she follows her Sasural rules without questioning them!”
Now, when all these people were telling me or my husband how they are so unhappy with me and how I need to adjust, my husband simple answer was –
“They are just speaking their mind. As a family, they are letting you know about their discomfort with certain things.”
Till the time, like a meek wife, I nodded and accepted it just as feedback, it was fine with my husband.
Till the time, I adjusted to their regressive thought-process, it was fine.
Till the time, I bowed down to their demands to satisfy their ego, it was fine.
But the day, I raised my voice and speak out my mind, it wasn’t fine. It was fine for me, but not for my husband. His own words about speaking one’s mind went for a toss.
His quick reactions to every time I stand for myself is –
With time, I realized the actual meaning behind his words. So, here is a quick note asking him to stop using me to please other’s egos; to stop being a hypocrite; to stop sacrificing my happiness in name of elder’s respect!
Everyone can speak their mind, but not me!
Everyone can share what discomfort they have with me, but I can’t!
Everyone has a right to raise their voices but I don’t!
Is this not my home? Is this not my family? Based on your family’s convenience, Ibecome ‘Ghar ki Izzat’ in a moment, and in another,I become an outsider! Isn’t home where the heart is? Isn’t home where we can speak our mind without fear? Isn’t home a place where we can be ourselves? Then, how me speaking my mind can be made about one’s ego. Why I can’t be as open about my views as others? Why?
Sadly, the answer to why lies in the fact that I am your wife! As a wife, you expect me to put my own wishes down and do as everyone else wants me to do.
Even if what is asked to being done will cause me discomfort, unhappiness, loneliness but you still want me to do it anyway! Because it is always about other’s respect (read it as ego). There is a very clear assumption that only I have to change, I have to listen to what everyone needs of me & try to fit in.
Why this marriage feels like an act where I am trying hard tomanage everyone’s egoeven if that means I get broken in the process. But, I didn’t marry you to manage egos! I married you to share love, care, and happiness!
I married you thinking that your presence in my life will make me a better person. I came to your home thinking this would be my home – where I can be myself, where I can realize my dreams and desire. But sadly, you expected me to trade my happiness for shallow egos.
Sorry, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t manage other’s egos by crushing my own happiness. Stop sacrificing me for others! I am your wife, not a tool to please others!